I love your comments on the story!

I am blown away by your insightful comments on the Dorothy and Alexandra posts! Susan has brought forward the insight that Dorothy and Alexandra are going to need to create the space to honour what each woman needs in order to feel taken care of and loved through this. But how are they going to be able to create that space given all the drama happening, and specifically Dorothy’s grief process?

Susan also comments, ” So what is she [Dorothy] supposed to do in order to keep her relationship with Alexandra in a good space, while grieving the relationship with Victoria?” This is a challenging question. Dorothy is so caught up in trying to leave Victoria in the right way, and she doesn’t know how to deal with her own feelings about leaving a 13-year relationship. Is it even possible for Dorothy to attend to her relationship with Alexandra in the midst of this?

It obviously hurts Alexandra deeply when Dorothy leaves the relationship to spend time with Victoria. It bothers Mary that Alexandra keeps hanging up the phone on Dorothy. I don’t have a sense that this is Alexandra’s normal behaviour, and it’s a sign that there is too much pressure on the love relationship. Mary suggests the couple needs some time apart, and she hopes that Dorothy has emotional support during this time – and yes, Alexandra is not the right person to be emotionally supporting Dorothy through her grieving process around Victoria.

Dorothy is going to have to take responsibility for getting the help she needs – there is no way around it. She is going to have to invest time, money and heart in an authentic grieving process. We tend to shelter our heart and avoid uncomfortable situations. That keeps us in the shadow limbo where we cannot experience True LOVE. To get through this, we have to get help, we have to reach out, feel awkward, and value our own well-being more than all the awkwardness and shame we may feel. We have to decide to heal and then take the leap to invest in help.

And I have a sense that Mary is right – the couple is going to have to take some time apart while Dorothy gets the help she needs and clears some space in her heart for a new love relationship with Alexandra. And when they come back together, I think the love languages is an excellent suggestion, Mary! I feel certain the couple WILL take THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES quiz available on line together. Thank you for this suggestion!

Rhonda and Mary both want this couple to take a close look at what they have and not jump ship. None of us wants to see this couple lose one another. Their love is special! And we want to see them come through this.

The fact is that it takes a lot of work and care and investment of heart to work through a situation like this. Your suggestions are a big help. Keep them coming! And I see that this week Alexandra has become aware that there are people reading this story, and she has asked for your prayers! Let’s all bring our hearts together and pray for this couple, so they can have a different ending than what many of us have experienced in the past – just like Stacie has asked for! Let’s pray that Alexandra will have patience and that Dorothy will access the resources she needs to grieve her past relationship to make space for this new one.

Dorothy could no longer feel her heart

Dorothy could no longer feel her heart. She couldn’t remember who she was – she couldn’t even remember what it felt like to know what she wanted. She found it hard to make even the simplest of decisions. It felt like her world had suddenly crashed in on her, and she didn’t know what to do. She knew she was a mess! And she wondered if Alexandra was going to get fed up with her and leave.

Alexandra cared about Dorothy, but she was finding it harder and harder to be there for Dorothy. Like last night Alexandra had suggested they put some date nights into their calendar and Dorothy let her know that she was busy over the next 3 weeks between time with Victoria and other family members.

Alexandra was stunned! She knew Dorothy was going to New York with Victoria on a trip they had planned months ago, and for Dorothy this was a final farewell to the life they had shared in marriage. This trip alone was driving Alexandra insane. She just wished Dorothy would be through with her grieving and letting go, and finally be available for a relationship with her!

Now Dorothy let her know that her sister was coming to visit for a couple of weeks after that, and she probably wouldn’t have any time to see Alexandra during that visit. Her sister didn’t know she was lesbian, and it would be too much to introduce Alexandra to her sister.

Dorothy obviously had a mind of her own and was making all kinds of plans. Alexandra felt like her only option was to distance herself from Dorothy and hope that she would settle a bit and start to be interested in building a life with her later, after she did what she needed to do with family. Truly, it was disheartening!

But Alexandra felt strongly that she wanted to keep in the game, hopeful that some day Dorothy would be more herself and be able to enter back into love relationship with Alexandra.

In the mean time, it was like a cruel joke of cupid to lose her beloved to the swamp of confusion that Dorothy was now in. Alexandra knows people are reading this story, and she asks you to please pray for this struggling couple.

 

Dorothy comes undone

Dorothy felt her grip on sanity slowly slipping away. She had worked so hard for this day! She had sacrificed so much to be with Alexandra. And Alexandra’s emotions and reactions were completely baffling her. Why wasn’t this woman opening to the loving arms that Dorothy was now extending?

Dorothy needed to know that everything was okay. She needed everything to be okay with Victoria. She needed to know that everything was okay with Alexandra. Then! Then everything could be okay for Dorothy.

She was running herself ragged, and she was losing sight of who she was. Everything was so new! This new home. No longer eating supper with Victoria every night. Sleeping alone in her new home some nights and the other nights sleeping with Alexandra.

She desperately needed some safe place of comfort to adjust to everything. But at the same time everything about her connection with both Victoria and Alexandra was feeling like screaming echoing through the Universe – like the horrible sound of nails on a chalk board.

Dorothy didn’t know how much more of this she could stand, and if Alexandra didn’t start listening to how her incessant weakness was impacting Dorothy, she truly was going to scream.

What was wrong with Alexandra? Was she afraid to hear how Dorothy was feeling? Every time she started to talk about her feelings, Alexandra would simply hang up the phone. It couldn’t be more devastating! Truly, she felt like she was going crazy and there was no hope.

She started drinking at night. First her beloved scotch, and then beer the next night. The feelings were too much to handle, and it was getting so much worse with Alexandra refusing to listen and hanging up the phone. She knew that Alexandra was giving up hope – she had said that to her.

Dorothy felt her world was closing in.

Why is this happening? Why is it when two good women love each other that this love isn’t enough to pull them through?

Well, their love may be enough to pull them through, but right now things are looking dim. I am wondering if they are going to make it, since they are both beaten down and things are intense, I wonder if Alexandra in particular is simply going to pull the plug.

You know, Dorothy was expecting a lot of herself. Leaving a 13-year relationship that she had deeply invested in, and then starting a new life with Alexandra the day she moved into her own place – that fateful Monday of the Flood.

We are all human. We have emotional fabric that is largely woven in our first relationships with our parents in childhood. Then we get into relationships ourselves in adulthood – further weaving our emotional fabric – weaving our heart with the one that we love.

When we leave a relationship it is not a physical thing – it is not simply walking out the door and saying goodbye. We need time, and we need a safe place where we can explore what emotional threads we are taking out of our heart when we leave someone (or when someone leaves us).

The end of a relationship is a BIG thing, and in our society we overlook that. Women are expected to move on in their life and somehow forget the pain of leaving the relationship. This causes great sickness in our heart, and the dis-ease in our heart impacts those around us.

Dorothy needs to give herself the chance to grieve the end of the relationship with Victoria. She needs human compassion for working through a great loss. There is simply too much going on in her heart, and there is too much going on in her transitioning relationship with Victoria for her to be present with building a relationship with Alexandra.

She needs to digest and put away the ending of her past relationship before she will have the space in her heart for Alexandra. She needs to grieve it. And until she does, she will live in emotional limbo. So let us hope that Dorothy will come to realize this before it is too late. Before she loses this amazing opportunity for True LOVE with Alexandra.

Dorothy and Alexandra’s love gets mysteriously hijacked

The two lovers reached the other side – the place where things would be safer, clearer, and they’d finally be able to build an ordinary relationship outside of the messiness of the love triangle with Victoria. Dorothy’s final words of the “hibernation” before her move echoed in Alexandra’s mind, “Come Monday, I will be all yours!”

Things were different after the move. Dorothy created a beautiful home.  And she was able to spend much more time with Alexandra. The two lovers were able to be in touch whenever they wanted without the weight of Victoria’s watchful eye. Dorothy enjoyed being able to do nice things for Alexandra and to finally start to build the kind of relationship she wanted with the woman of her dreams.

But something was not working… As each week passed, the lovers grew more and more distant. It became harder and harder to discuss things. And the problems started accumulating as they didn’t get worked out. A great weight started to grow.

This bewildered the young lovers – how could this be happening after all they had done? Now there was finally the space for them to build the relationship they had dreamed of. How could this be happening???

After the third week, Alexandra was at the breaking point. As much as she loved Dorothy and wanted a relationship with her, Dorothy was no longer herself. She could see the dynamic passionate woman before her, but she couldn’t feel her heart beat. Dorothy was gone! Although Dorothy was the most organized woman she knew, this week Dorothy forgot they were scheduled to spend Saturday night together, and she made plans to go out with her friends instead. Alexandra was dumbfounded, because this was supposed to have been their last night together before Alexandra was going out of town for 5 days to visit friends in Eastern Ontario.

Alexandra was concerned! She sat Dorothy down and said they needed to create a sense of home for their relationship – that things were too chaotic! Dorothy said okay, But… BUT she was so angry with Alexandra because she’s too sensitive and doesn’t appreciate all that Dorothy has done, and why can’t she just allow the relationship to happen (and around 20 other complaints!).

Alexandra stormed out of the room. She refused to take all this dumping of emotion on her. It was if Dorothy didn’t even hear the need to create safety and a sense of a place for their relationship. Dorothy was in all out battle mode!

Alexandra was losing hope as she felt Dorothy slipping away into the darkness of her deep emotions of anger and hurt. And it was maddening! Because Dorothy was physically more present, but now it truly seemed her spirit had left.

Alexandra felt her commitment to this relationship disappear this week. The weight of the late night hashing and gnashing nearly every night was taking it’s toll, and for Alexandra it started to feel like leaving Dorothy was a better option. Especially since Dorothy was obviously so unhappy in the relationship, and certainly Alexandra was starting to be overwhelmed by all the fighting and never getting things worked out.

These two women love each other more deeply than you and I can imagine. Do you know why things aren’t working out between them? Share your thoughts below. We want to hear what you think is wrong and why everything has gone haywire after so much care and effort has gone into their being together.

Read the next chapter…

Will Dorothy and Alexandra reach the other side?

Looking back, it all seemed like a big messy blur – like a smeared dream happening in a fitful sleep. Dorothy forced herself to pack, with her heart growing smaller and smaller under the stress. She gave up her plans of carefully sorting and organizing things as she packed – she just needed to get her stuff into boxes!

Sunday night dinner with Victoria was probably the heaviest thing she ever went through. The air clung to her like black tar, and she could hear every little tick of the silverware hitting their plates. The entire meal in silence, except for Victoria asking if they’d be meeting with the lawyers on Thursday morning. Dorothy answered, “Yes.”

She fulfilled her duty to Victoria as no other wife could – she loved her for these last two days under the same roof. Although she had betrayed her for the past seven years, she came home and was true to her for these last two days. A small token. Sometimes it is these small things that matter a great deal.

By some miracle she gathered her wits enough to put most of her things into boxes by the time the movers arrived early Monday morning. She knew she would return to the house over the coming weeks and could collect small things – which was a relief to not have the pressure of packing EVERYTHING for Monday! And well… maybe there was part of her that just couldn’t bear to completely separate from Victoria, and leaving a few things at the house brought her comfort – and a reason to return.

Dorothy’s thoughts began to return to Alexandra as she started to emerge from the weekend. She knew Alexandra was not the most stable woman, so nothing was for certain. Alexandra was paranoid about Dorothy’s safety. It’s true… Victoria lost it a couple of weeks after Dorothy said she was leaving, and was raising her fist saying crazy things like “I’m never going to let you go. You’re mine. I would lock you up if I have to, so that no one else is going to have you! And I am serious!” Ever since then, Alexandra was inconsolable.  She could understand that Alexandra loved her and cared about her, but it infuriated Dorothy that Alexandra refused to trust her ability to handle Victoria. Undoubtedly Alexandra’s paranoid mind was going wild over the weekend.

She didn’t know what she would face with Alexandra today. All she knew Monday morning is she felt awful – emotionally and physically – and did not have any energy to reach out to Alexandra. It would have to wait until later – after she moved. And she just hoped that Alexandra would still be there – especially since she was disrupting both her’s and Victoria’s life horribly so she could be with Alexandra.

Despite feeling miserable, everything went smoothly with the move. The movers were on time, and it all happened quickly. Dorothy’s head was spinning as the movers left her new place just before 1:30. She felt in shock, and there was profound silence as she stood surrounded by boxes… everywhere. She just stood there, a tiny woman facing a very big future.

Dorothy picked up her iPhone and sent a text to Alexandra. “I am moved. Going to go get some lunch. All is well.” Alexandra responded formally, “I am relieved to hear your move went well. Let me know when you are ready to reconnect. I love you.” Dorothy replied, “I love you too. I’ll be in touch again later today.” She started to feel a little space around her heart to breathe, and she went out in search of a place to get lunch in her new neighborhood.

Although the skies were clear that morning during the move, they clouded over in the afternoon and a great storm descended. It started with rain, and that rain grew more and more intense until a great flood was rushing through the streets sweeping bicyclists and even cars off the side of the road. Dorothy quickly finished her lunch and had to practically swim to get back to her place.

She closed the door behind her, dripping and headed up to her bedroom to find a box with dry clothes. She flipped on the switch in her closet only to find the power had gone out. She realized she had no source of light – not a a flash light or candle. She leapt into action and drove back over to Victoria’s to get a flashlight.

She hadn’t expected to return so soon. In some ways it was a relief to return back to the place she had called home for so many years. And in another way it felt like walking into a coffin. Victoria was visibly unnerved by seeing her, so Dorothy quickly grabbed the crank flashlight she wanted and left.

Sitting in her car she thought she’d better text Alexandra so she wouldn’t feel totally neglected and go into one of her paranoid fit. “Oh My God!” Dorothy exclaimed. Her iPhone was almost out of juice! So she texted Alexandra to let her know she was at 10% power and wouldn’t be able to call her later – she had no way to recharge with the power out. Alexandra was not pleased! She could understand, but there was nothing she could do!

It was almost 5:30 and Dorothy headed back over to her place. It took over 30 minutes to get there when normally it should take around 5 because the roads were a mess and traffic wasn’t moving. What was wrong with these people?! It’s just a bit of rain, and they lose their friggin’ heads!

Dorothy finally made it home and took the precious flashlight upstairs. The storm made it dingy dark, even this early in the evening. She found the box where she put her sheets and she made her bed by the glow of her little crank flashlight.

She sat in the middle of her bed, a little island of sanity, and looked around her room. Chaos! Boxes everywhere!

What had she done? Was this the greatest mistake of her life? Wild thoughts of doubt and self-criticism shot through her heart as she sat in the dark, alone.

She had specifically told Alexandra she wanted to spend the first night at her place alone. And now it felt like she was facing her worst nightmare with all her weakness starting to creep into her skin like a dank fog. Dorothy just sat there – facing what she had done.

After a while she started to feel a little better. Something started to turn, and it actually felt good to be in her own place, even if it was in shambles. In a way it was like camping out, especially since all she had for lighting was the flash light. Today she was beginning a new life… and her heart beat just a little faster. The fog started to lift. She had taken the leap out of a dead marriage to Victoria. She was choosing life. She was choosing to love again. She was choosing herself. And that felt good! It was as if a gentle warm sun was starting to rise up and evaporate the darkness of her fears through its warmth.

She suddenly realized she could charge her phone a little bit off of her computer, which still had life in it’s battery. She texted Alexandra, “Hey, I plugged my phone into my computer and it has life. Are you able to talk for a little bit?”

“Yeah” Alexandra replied, letting go of the pregnant anxiety of the last few days.

Their first conversation after the long weekend apart was tender, even tentative. A new beginning – charted out of the courage and love of both women.

Read the next chapter…

Dorothy blows a fuse!

Dorothy COULD NOT BELIEVE how childish Alexandra was being! Didn’t she understand how difficult this was for her?! She was leaving a 13-year relationship with Victoria. Victoria had been the love of her life, and they had built a strong life together, including this beautiful home.

Dorothy realized about seven years ago that she no longer loved Victoria, but she stayed with her because it seemed impossible to leave. Then she met Alexandra whose love totally turned her world upside down. Now Dorothy was destroying everything by leaving the relationship with Victoria, and this made her feel like the worst person on the face of the earth!

She had to watch day in and day out the devastation she was causing Victoria by leaving. And to make things worse, Victoria found out that Dorothy had been having an affair with Alexandra for almost 6 months. Victoria felt betrayed by the woman she trusted most, and she told Dorothy that she couldn’t imagine ever being able to trust her again.

Dorothy’s soul was screaming inside, and Alexandra’s petty fit about not talking tonight just made her want to scream! Alexandra was needy and insecure, and she really didn’t need this in her life!

But she always felt uneasy when things were unsettled between her and Alexandra. In some odd way, if things were good between them, then life felt good. And if things were upset – like this – then life felt unbearable. She NEEDED to fix this, or she could not bear to go on!

So she told Victoria she was going to bed, and went into her room. (She had moved into a separate bedroom a month before, so now she had this space to herself.) She phoned Alexandra, hoping she had not turned off her phone for the night.

One ring… Two rings… Three rings… Four rings.

“Hi.” Said Alexandra stoically.

“Hello, Alexandra. I can’t go to bed with you feeling so upset. Can we talk?”

“Fine.” Alexandra replied

“Look, I’m going to move out in two days. Things are really intense around here. I need you to give me space.”

“Fine. So what do you want from me.” Even more stoically.

“Well, I know that I keep letting you down. I don’t want to do that. And I am so stressed. I think I need to not be in contact with you for these last two days – until I get moved out. It’s just all too much, and I know I’m just upsetting you.”

“Well, that’s probably a good idea.” Replied Alexandra. Meanwhile her heart was sinking deeper and deeper. It was so hard being out of contact with Dorothy when so much was going on. She had this insane need to know that Dorothy was okay. But she could see she had no choice about this. Everything was SO intense, that she had to give in on this. “Okay, so I’ll wait to hear from you on Monday after you moved.”

“Okay, sweetheart. And there is something I need to say to you. I REALLY need you to hear this. Once I move, I will be yours forever – in body, heart and soul – I will be yours forever. I know this has been really hard, but I need you to hold on to the vision of our life together. I am leaving this relationship to be with you. I want that life with you – and I NEED you to hold on to knowing that we are going to come through this. Can you do that for me?”

“Christ! The only thing I can focus on right now is getting through this weekend! Don’t expect more than that from me. This is totally breaking my heart, Dorothy – totally breaking my heart! Let’s just get through this weekend, and you get safely moved into your new place. Then we’ll reconnect.”

“Okay – as long as you know that I’m going to be there on the other side – I will be your woman come Monday.”

“Okay. Well take care of yourself. I’ll be sending you good energy for your move. Look forward to hearing from you Monday.”

“Thank you, sweetheart. I will call you on Monday. I love you.”

“Love you too. Bye.”

“Good bye sweetheart. Bye bye.”

Dorothy got off the phone feeling much stronger. She knew she needed to close things properly with Victoria this weekend so she could fulfill her commitment to Alexandra. And she knew she would do this. Alexandra was such an extraordinary woman, and this relationship was the relationship of a lifetime. She would be ready to truly welcome Alexandra into her life on Monday.

She got up and brushed her teeth, and as she was drifting off to sleep she started having all kinds of wild unsettling dreams.

Read the next chapter…

The Final Word on HL’s Vision for Find True Lesbian LOVE

This 5-week journey of exploring HL’s vision has been intense and profound – not for the feint of heart, that’s for sure! Life is busy, and we all have practical demands on us. And yet… we have carved out quiet time to reflect upon and try to understand what HL has gifted us with in her vision for creating a place to learn LOVE.

The final line of her vision reads:

Welcome home to safety and love, where every heart matters.

HL is saying that this community within Find True Lesbian LOVE is a home – it is a place of safety and love. And like any home, we need to attend to it – all of us! I am serving as a leader here. And I have brought in my mate, HL, to grace us with her femininity and wisdom. But for us to have a good home together, you need to participate as well.

We need your engagement! Sign up for programs that will help you heal and open your heart. Comment on the blogs. Say prayers for this endeavour of creating a place for good, wholesome, passionate Lesbian LOVE. We need you – and I need you!

Things don’t just happen in this world. They happen because people invest energy in them. If we want to create a space of healing and love for women – a place where truly every heart matters – that requires resource.

HL phoned me last week and told me she just read that Slack’s, the local lesbian bar, closed down. Unfortunately there is a deep handicap in our community – we are afraid of relating with money. And I can only guess this is because lesbian women have been through so much hardship and trauma that we have shifted into a conservative, protective mode that shadows our hearts and removes us from life. As a community, we have a hard time giving and spending and exchanging.

I see this also when I go to women’s dances. Women tend to hang out with their friends, and they do not extend themselves in friendliness to strangers. We are not bad people! But we have a problem, and we need to find some little ways of opening our hearts to each other, giving to each other, and… receiving from each other. We need to actively create spaces of healing – where every heart matters.

So please do engage with me and engage with this community, and let’s build something beautiful and profound – something that will grow and impact the Lesbian community across the world. Let’s bring positive energy into this island community here, and allow that drop by drop to accumulate and heal and spread out from our island. So for now, please engage, please lift up your heart, and allow yourself to shift into a more and more positive place around this thing we call… LOVE.

Offered with LOVE for the profound benefit of all who read it.

Andrea

The next chapter with Alexandra and Dorothy

Alexandra was in the foulest of moods when she woke up the next morning after the blow out with Dorothy. It didn’t help that she had stayed up until almost 2:00 in the morning FaceTiming with her, only for them to decide to separate!

She dragged herself to work, arriving almost 10 minutes late – which really annoyed her! She hoped that no one would notice as she slid in behind her desk.

She lost herself in checking email and trying to figure out how to go on after that heart-crushing night. It just felt like the whole world was dark.

And then something…. Something… started knocking at the back of her mind.

She went into the Personal folder on her computer and she felt compelled to look up the Law of Attraction work she had done 6 months earlier, right around the time she had met Dorothy.

As she was reading her loooong list of qualities describing her ideal partner, her eyes started popping out! Dorothy always had a slogan she said, “I know what I want!” As a matter of fact, she had a shirt printed up this past Pride that said, “I KNOW WHAT I WANT!”. Alexandra looked at the 4th quality listed in her Ideal Partner description: “Relationally secure, knows what she wants”. “Oh my God!” thought Alexandra.

It was also important to Alexandra to live in fiscal fitness and be with a partner who was on board with this. Item # 5: “Lives in fiscal fitness – honouring of $”. And she realized Dorothy fits that to a T, too! Dorothy has been very thoughtful, researching pricing before buying things, and holding back on things that didn’t make sense. Dorothy is really good with money!

And Alexandra had always had trouble getting involved with women who weren’t into oral sex – and she really loved oral sex. In her Desire Statement Alexandra wrote, “She loves exploring emotions and she loves sexual exploration. I am so relieved knowing my ideal partner enjoys taking her time making love to me. She deeply enjoys making love to me and loves giving me oral sex.” Dorothy LOVES making love to Alexandra, and sometimes Alexandra needs to fend Dorothy off from giving her oral sex when she just wants simpler closeness and holding.

Alexandra’s spirits lifted as she read through what she had written last Spring. It was INCREDIBLE that Dorothy so closely matched these things she had asked for!

And she realized the Dorothy was in the process of leaving her 13-year partner. And when she read the opening line of her Desire Statement, she realized that things were in a process, and she needed to allow that process. The first line read, “I am in the process of attracting all that I need to do, know or have to attract my ideal partner.” It doesn’t have to all be in place immediately, because this wonderful woman, Dorothy, was clearly on the way to being in a deep love relationship with Alexandra.

Read the next chapter…

 

When you have two good women together, why does love go bad?

Alexandra is feeling a bit lonely and looking forward to connecting with Dorothy at the end of the day. At 9:23 pm she texts Dorothy, “How is it going?”.

Dorothy responds, “Very tired, so resting and watching movie. And typing email to you. No brainer movie. How are you?”

       “Bored. Is everything okay with you?”

No response

       Alexandra adds, “Watching lesbian movie too”

No response

       “Maybe this is a bad time”

Dorothy replies, “I am okay just pretty tired”

       “Ok. I can send you a good night before I head to bed. Is that good?”

       “Yes please thanks!”

A few minutes before 10:00 Alexandra texts, “Dorothy, I am heading to bed. I sense your distance tonight, and I wonder if you would like to share what is going on.”

       “Really nothing. I am so tired. And I have no energy. Sorry. And also watching movie. Aimlessly drifting.”

       “Did you enjoy your dinner?”

       “Yes. How are you tonight? I am not distancing, please know that.”

       “Ok. Want me to let you go?”

       “It’s okay, I am sorry. It’s been a long day.”

       “Would you like me to let you go. We can just say good night now.”

       “Are u going to bed now?”

       “Yes. Will brush my teeth first”

       “I’m tired for sure… I love you. Sleep well darling. I miss you.”

       “You sleep well too. Maybe go to bed earlier and get some rest. Love you. Good night.”

Alexandra leaves the conversation feeling empty, confused, and painfully insecure. Usually Dorothy values connecting by phone at the end of the day. What is going on? Dorothy says everything is fine, that she is just tired, but Alexandra knows this is not the Dorothy she knows and loves. It’s frustrating and disappointing, and she doesn’t know what to do with her feelings since Dorothy is not explaining.

Alexandra feels Dorothy does not want to relate with her, so reached out again in an email and said,

You know I am disappointed you want no connection time with me today. And surprised. I don’t understand. Normally you do. But you say you are good emotionally. So I am feeling confused. 

I guess you are just too tired to relate with me, and I will accept that.   

Good night, Dorothy. Sleep with angels and I look forward to when we come out of this strange time. 

        I’m sure you can feel the drama building. This email prompted Dorothy to telephone Alexandra, and they wound up talking on the phone until almost 2:00 am, with the call ending in them taking a break from their relationship.

So what the heck happened here? These two women love each other profoundly, but something has gone way off the tracks, and I’m wondering if this dating relationship is going to survive.

Dorothy is living with one foot in the present and one foot in the past. She certainly loves Alexandra very dearly. But her heart is stuck in the pain of her past relationship. She feels guilty – she knows she hurt her partner in her choice to leave their 13-year relationship. On this night she was watching this movie with her former partner, feeling very heavy, and she wanted to shield Alexandra from her own feelings.

The simple fact is that as long as we have emotions and energy tied up in a former relationship, we don’t have space to be present and to love another woman. Instead we distance ourselves to cope with our feelings, and in this case, Dorothy tried to pretend she wasn’t doing that. She is trying desperately to make Alexandra happy while at the same time she is dealing with overwhelmingly heavy feelings from her past relationship. It confused Alexandra and hurt her deeply. This interaction eroded the good love that was trying to live between them, and in the end they decided to take a separation.

Will they be able to come back after the separation? Is their love strong enough to pull them through to “the other side”? Will Dorothy face her feelings about leaving her partner, put her partner in the light, and let her partner go?

Read the next chapter…

The Oneness of this Island we call “Home”

HL is steeped in Taoism, and she told us last week that the notion of “Oneness” comes from Taoist philosophy. For those of us who have not been exposed to this deep tradition, it can be quite difficult to have any understanding of something like oneness.

So let’s look this week at how we can begin to crack open the gift of this line,

The Oneness of this Island we call “Home”

I’m going to share my thoughts, and I’d love for your to post your thoughts below, too! Most of the time we experience life in fragments. Here’s what this might look like:

We have a job. We have friends and a social life.

We have a cat.

We have a bank account, with more or less money in it.

We pay rent for our apartment.

We try to keep groceries in our fridge, and sometimes even that feels like a daunting task.

We end our day trying to fill our loneliness by watching a couple of hours of TV (or more).

If there is a lack of coherence, we will feel a lack of energy. It can feel depressing. It can be hard to rouse our self up… to dream… to take practical steps to actualize our dreams… to create a good, wholesome, fulfilling life. Things in life don’t work! And we rarely get ahead.

In contrast, there can be times in our life when we feel good… we feel safe to be who we are… we feel that all of the strands of our life (work, relationships, money, feeding ourselves and our pets, etc.) are working together, energetically connected and feeding each other and our hearts, leading us to fulfilling a great mission – our soul’s calling. I’m thinking this is can be an experience of Oneness – of integration and connection with the life energy that runs through everything.

Stacie commented on the post from two weeks ago, “The Power of Good Lesbian Leadership.” She insightfully wrote that good leadership lifts us out of our island and connects us universally within humanity. I believe Stacie is speaking to Oneness.

And the big question is how do we create that sense of connection within ourselves and then extend it to all of humanity. We all know it is a good thing, and we probably all want to feel our heart connection with humanity.

But just wanting it isn’t enough to get it!

We need a path. We need a journey of starting where we are – which may be isolated with an armored heart from all the deep pain we have experienced as women in this world. And we need to take the first step, and then the next step, and the next. Frankly, such a journey requires good leadership – to heal our broken hearts and reconnect with the world – with humanity.

In my response to Stacie’s post I cite the healing literature which overwhelmingly states that there are three stages to healing: (1) Create safety, (2) Rememberance and mourning, and (3) Reconnection with community. Although safety is necessary to move into the later stages, the journey is not linear. We continually revisit each stage through the journey of healing.

So this is why I am working to create an island of safety for you and with you in this community. It is the first stage, and each of you has to find your own way of truly establishing a reasonable level of physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual safety. Only then will you feel stable enough to remember your pain, mourn it, and give it a respectful burial. And then… THEN… you will have the space in your heart to connect with the greater world – to start to build heart connections with community and greater humanity.

I have carefully created a step-by-step journey with my course offerings. Lesbian Dating 201 is an easy first step. And if that feels like too much, start with my Beginner Meditation Program. Establishing a regular meditation practice can be enormously helpful for grounding yourself and establishing a bit of stability. Then you can move your way comfortably through the steps I have laid out in Lesbian Dating 201 (The First Step to True LOVE), 301 (Open Your Heart to New LOVE) and finally 401 (Attract Your Ideal Partner). These steps will lead you through creating your unique needs for safety, being able to safely mourn past relationship break ups, and then open your heart to connecting in a new love relationship.

I WELCOME your comments below!

Good Lesbian Leadership Can Open the ONENESS of Life

I let HL know last week that I have been exploring her vision for Find True Lesbian LOVE with all of you in my weekly emails to you. She said she is very happy that I am sharing her vision with all of you so that you can also share our vision and happiness in life in finding each other, and living in a profound way of love and passion.

I told her I wasn’t quite sure what she meant in the next section of the vision, so she generously recorded a little discussion of it. I just listened to what she said, and I’ve transcribed it here for you. She is speaking to the third paragraph in the vision, and makes some reference to the last two paragraphs.

On her diamond throne, the Queen leads her fellow islanders to reach a warm and colourful place, where love, life, passion, resource, and compassion become ONE. 

The Oneness of this Island we call “Home”

Welcome home to safety and love, where every heart matters.

HL: “The diamond throne is your throne. Diamond is precious and indestructible. Made of compressed carbon. Carbon is not a valuable substance. When it is so compressed, it becomes something else.

All the little things you have gone through in your life have become so precious – so compressed into someone like you. You have all the skills and ability to make your vision and your intention to lead your fellow islanders. Here’s the throne for the queen which is made of diamond.

You are leading them to a warm and colourful place, where love, life, passion, resource and compassion become ONE.

The ONE embodies everything that has reached an equilibrium. That is a concept in Taoist philosophy. One is in a cycle that encompasses everything in life. For me, the vision is love, passion, compassion and of course resource for us to live on. Everything that is on a continuum as well as in equilibrium, they go in a cycle and interacting with one another to create a life that is home.

On this island we have created a home – the home is this oneness. When I talk about the home, I really think that metaphorically it is a place that is safe and full of love. I’m also talking about home as the heart where everything matters.”

 

What is most important for finding a long-term fulfilling partner?

Women tell me they can’t find a relationship with the right woman. They know they want a love relationship. But the relationships they get into turn into Lesbian Drama…  where feelings get out of control and it feels like their worst nightmare come to life!

Some women cope by avoiding relationships, and they live alone. This leads to feelings of deep emptiness. And they stuff down their feelings by filling themselves with food, drinking, smoking, watching too much TV. Underneath this emptiness is a deep longing that feels like it could never be filled. It can lead to depression. Does any of this sound familiar to you?

When we are empty and deeply longing, we are vulnerable. Dating websites offer the promise of matching you with your perfect match, and this can become very attractive. Women tell me they are frustrated in on-line dating sites because women are only there to flirt. These websites give the illusion of closeness that will never satisfy you. They give the illusion of a promise of love.

I am offering an alternative – a path to True LOVE that is both practical and inspired. In my method, you first heal your own heart and understand how you are in relationship. You build a FOUNDATION for finding authentic love.

If you jump into action without creating a foundation, you will build a house on a shaky foundation, and of course it will fall down. This is the key reason why the Lesbian community experiences so much drama in the beginning stages of relationships –women have not prepared a solid, safe foundation for taking the journey of LOVE.

In my method for successful Lesbian dating, I lead you in three steps: You (1) Create a solid foundation, (2) Attract your ideal partner, and (3) Create your dating strategic plan. This is a solid, practical method for finding True LOVE.

My 3-step method is unique and has never been offered by anyone else. In a concrete way you will:

  • Fill your deep emptiness by learning how to care for your emotional needs and connect with a woman who can genuinely care for and love you
  • Stop stuffing down your feelings with bad habits and addictions by empowering yourself with new healthy ways of dealing with feelings and finding solutions to the problem
  • Honestly fulfill your deep longing for love by taking practical steps beginning with building an emotional foundation for finding a fulfilling, healthy love relationship
  • Shatter the illusion of promise on dating websites by getting expert guidance and doing the work – in a joyful way – to bring authentic LOVE into your heart and life

This journey begins with Lesbian Dating 201: The First Step to True LOVE

This course teaches you how to build a strong emotional foundation for dating. We will cover these three topics:

  • Class 1:  Love maps
  • Class 2:  Intimacy
  • Class 3:  Boundaries

Feel free to check out the other course offerings too!

Why is it so hard for many lesbians to foster a healthy love relationship?

You who were part of the The Key To Finding Your Dream Woman Teleseminar had great insights into this intriguing question. Your contributions show the real issues and challenges that lesbians face in our world today. Here are a few your contributions:

  • “possibly choosing unavailable people or settling for someone out of loneliness. some women suffer from lack of self esteem that began early on”
  • “Lesbians deny their sexuality/emotions and physical being while they are young for the most part. This causes a self-hatred”
  • “Because we are individually very wounded ourselves as a result of growing up gay”

Here’s an excerpt from the Teleseminar:

“In our society, many women have experienced trauma in relationships. The impact of trauma often leads to fragmentation of the spirit and soul, and the loss of sense of safety and reference points . . .

In lesbian relationships, we often see two women who have been both traumatized – double jeopardy – a compounding of the sensitivity that trauma creates. When both are so sensitive and can be hurt easily, it can be hard to get through the challenges that are part of the beginning of any new relationship.

When women experience trauma in a relationship, we usually make changes in our life to protect ourselves from experiencing the trauma again – we become more defended. We move into being in a reactive mode rather than being able to think clearly and expansively and to be proactive, taking steps to get what you want.”

It is possible to heal past trauma and move into this proactive mode. I strongly advocate that women connect with resources along the lines of what I offer so you can have insights and breakthroughs in a gentle and supported way. Life does not have to be so extreme – opening to loving and being loved does not have to be so scary. It can be easier, and you can be cared for in the process.

I offer an excellent Lesbian Dating program that gives you this caring process. I invite you to consider giving yourself the gift of taking Lesbian Dating 201: The First Step to True LOVE.

In this 3 session course I will lead you through a journey of exploration – where you can learn about the love map you learned from growing up with your parents. You can learn about your style of intimacy. And you can learn about your boundaries and how to be in relationship honouring both your own and the other woman’s boundaries.

This is a powerful foundational Lesbian LOVE course. And I am completely committed to assisting your doing powerful work to clear space for your new love relationship. I want you to feel you have solid ground within you so that you can enjoy the journey of finding your dream woman. If you have any questions you would like to ask me, please feel free to email me: andrea@andreamwinn.com.

I look forward to guiding you to your True LOVE!

HL’s Vision for Find True Lesbian LOVE

I sent the following message out to the community on June 12th:

Something new is opening up today for us in this venture of LOVE! As I have said in the Teleseminars and emails, I have found myself in a deep love relationship since starting Find True Lesbian LOVE February 7, 2013.

That love is woven through my activities of connecting with you, and opening your door to LOVE, over these past months. I joyfully share the energy, grace and healing of my love with you – to nourish those hidden parts of your heart, so that you can open to meeting your own soul mate – your True LOVE.

My love, who I have introduced by her initials, HL, wrote a vision for Find True Lesbian LOVE on April 28, and I want to share it with you today. Here is what she wrote:

As the tale begins. . . 

Once upon a time, on the Island of Lesbos lives a Queen, who is so graceful, loving, caring, compassionate, and beautiful. She gathers her strength and power through her incredible intellect and a pure heart to gift women who desire love and to be loved. Her vision is boundless, for her wisdom is limitless. 

On her diamond throne, the Queen leads her fellow islanders to reach a warm and colourful place, where love, life, passion, resource, and compassion become ONE. 

The Oneness of this Island we call “Home”

Welcome home to safety and love, where every heart matters.


HL brings grace to both you and I through sharing this vision. It’s a vision of hope. A vision of healing. A vision of Lesbian leadership. A vision for family and for deep love. It’s a profound vision that I would like for you and I to unpack together over the coming five weeks. I will share some of my thoughts on what this means in my weekend emails, and I’d really like it if you would share your thoughts with me, too. Then after our 5 weeks of chewing on this, I’ll ask HL if she will share more about what her vision means for us.

Do you want to engage with me in a 5-week project of opening hope, healing and love?  I want to undertake this with you – working together for the benefit of opening your heart to LOVE.

Learning with you, and opening to Grace,

Part 1: A Story to Open Your Heart To LOVE

HL, my girlfriend, told me the other day, “I thrive on LOVE.” She knows this. And in all honesty, ALL of us thrive on love. When we are in love, we feel better, we perform better, we live better. HL wants this for all of you, and she is gently cracking open the door for you through her vision below.

Welcome to part one of a special 5-week series. This is a chance for you and I to unpacking HL’s vision and open your heart to LOVE. (If you missed my first email announcing this series, you can see HL’s full vision statement below.)

This week let’s  explore the first line, “As the tale begins…” I’m giving my thoughts, and I strongly invite your input, thoughts and how you are touched by her words. My in-box is open to your emails on this.

As the tale begins…

HL suggests we are at the beginning of something that is going to happen – a story. Tales are usually for entertainment, and if it is a good tale, there will be wisdom within it – a learning – that will change the listener – transform her life.

Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés, and expert on story telling writes in her book, Women Who Run With the Wolves,

“Stories are medicine. I have been taken with stories since I heard my first. They have such power; they do not require that we do, be, act anything – we need only listen. The remedies for repair or reclamation of any lost psychic drive are contained in stories. Stories engender the excitement, sadness, questions, longings, and understandings that spontaneously bring the archetype, in this case Wild Woman, back to the surface. Stories are embedded with instructions which guide us about the complexities of life. Stories enable us to understand the need for and the ways to raise a submerged archetype.” (Estes 1995: 15)

HL is opening all of us to a journey – a journey that is for the benefit of your capacity to feel love. She is pointing the way. She is engaging our psyches in a gentle and skilful – and perhaps most importantly – a LOVING way.

Certainly she is telling this story from the spiritual place of her love for me. Even moreso, she wants to help her community – she wants to have a positive impact on her community of women who love women. Through her story, she is reaching her hand out to you, to help you find your delicate path of opening your heart to deep loving.

Part 2: The Power of Good Lesbian Leadership

We are in the middle of a process of sacred “Revelation” – of revealing the vibration of LOVE, as it has been communicated by my own dear love, HL. She composed a vision for Find True Lesbian LOVE on April 28th. Now I’m pulling out my pick and shovel to dig in and grapple with what her sacred message means. I invite you to dig in with your own tools and contribute your thoughts as well – I WELCOME it!

All of this grappling is for opening your pathway to LOVE – your unique sacred pathway. It will not be magically gifted to you – You will have to work for it! What I am offering is a vehicle for your work. I would LOVE to engage with you on the sacred words HL has presented us. If anything touches you, make that effort and send me an email. Your grappling will add to the vortex of LOVE that we are building together here, and it will feed both your heart and your journey into LOVE.

This week we grapple with the second passage of her vision:

Once upon a time, on the Island of Lesbos lives a Queen, who is so graceful, loving, caring, compassionate, and beautiful. She gathers her strength and power through her incredible intellect and a pure heart to gift women who desire love and to be loved. Her vision is boundless, for her wisdom is limitless. 

“Once upon a time” are famous words for beginning a story. These words have become empowered with the ability to transport us into another world – a world where there can be dreams and fairy tales – a world where we can imagine new possibilities that would be impossible in the “real” world. These words transport us into a place of possibility and dreams.

And what do we find in this other world? A sacred island for us – for lesbians – for us who can be outcasts in this patriarchal world – and if not outcasts, perhaps we just never feel like we fully fit in. So here is a space where we belong – and we belong with each other.

The Island of Lesbos – I imagine warrior women who are strong and who live much closer to nature than what we do here in the city. I think of Amazons – women who are filled with bravery and who love fiercely. I see masculine women and I see feminine women, and there is a strength in their love for one another that I do not see often in the “real” world.

In the “real” world, I see wounded women who hide their emotions in addictions. And I see these women coping and leading lives formed around defending themselves from being taken advantage of. I see lonely women who have been hurt and no longer know how to be loved. And I see these women hurting each other –not because they are bad people – but because they have been deeply hurt in the past and this has led to them being disconnected from their own love and power. So they bring each other down. It saddens me!

So that is why it is such a beautiful vision HL gives us on the Island of Lesbos – where women have been in strong loving community for generations. I see strong healthy love flowing through their bodies! They are deeply connected with the earth and how to care well for themselves and each other. They are strong in their womanly power, and they look happy – genuinely happy – and healthy with clear skin, colour in their cheeks, and a star of aliveness shining in their eyes.

And there is a Queen, a”Queen, who is so graceful, loving, caring, compassionate, and beautiful “. We struggle to find good leadership in the “real” world. When we do find a good leader, it’s like finding an oasis in a vast desert. Here in Ontario we recently got Kathleen Wynne in as our premier. She is an exceptional leader. Yes, she is lesbian (which is fucking AMAZING!), but perhaps more importantly she is intelligent, caring and trained as a mediator – she is able to open situations in a way that brings the best out in people. She cultivates goodness and peace. Wow! We have needed a leader like that for a long time! President Obama is a similar amazing story. These people don’t have to be perfect, and it still feels amazing to have skilled leadership that operates from heart and is truly working to make this world a better place.

So our Queen on the Island of Lesbos, she is inspiring to us through her grace, love, care, compassion and beauty. The world feels in order having a good leader serving us – someone who lifts up our hearts and opens our abilities to believe and to stretch ourselves towards the light of the sun. Having a good leader makes all the difference for society. So we are graced to have such a good woman leader on our island.

She gathers her strength and power through her incredible intellect and a pure heart to gift women who desire love and to be loved. Her vision is boundless, for her wisdom is limitless. 

This Queen has the ability to lead Lesbian women in the journey of loving. HL cites her intellect and purity as key to leading women to be able to love. Intellect refers to seeing clearly and clearing away illusion and delusion. Clearing away the clouds that keep women down in patriarchal society. Perhaps I will add the image of a strong wind here to clear away those clouds – so women can remember who they are and take leadership in their own lives and hearts.

And purity because at long last, women need someone they can trust to lead them out of the desert of pain we find ourselves in after thousands of years – generation after generation – of living within patriarchal society. It has been damaging. It has been soul crushing. And great purity – a very pure heart is needed to lead women out of the darkness and into the light of reconnection.

Women’s capabilities to give love and receive love need to be cleaned and re-awakened after all these generations of oppression. We have had moments of love shine through over all this time, but the oppression of darkness has been a heavy weight on us – as so many women are raped and killed by their fathers, husbands and boyfriends every year – the people who we are taught should love and protect us. We have born a heavy, heavy weight – and it has absolutely impacted our hearts and how we give and receive love. Our hearts need to be washed with tears.

And the good news is that it is possible to heal that and reclaim our ability to love and be loved well. HL gifts us with her vision of a Queen who possesses boundless vision and limitless wisdom – fully capable of leading us back to loving ourselves and one another.

It is important to create a space within our hearts to hold this vision – and to protect it. Let us nurture this beautiful vision, and together we will make it manifest. We can create this within our community here. I myself am working towards that – and it will take all of us to contribute our special abilities to accomplish this vision.

Nothing is too silly! Please bring forward your heart and gift us with your good energy – your positive vision for our Island and for how you are bringing beauty and womanly strength into your life. And how you are witnessing the awakening of LOVE in your heart.

Leave a comment below, and let me know what is starting to stir in you!

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